Ohhhhh...what a week. Where to start. Warning: This may be a LONG post! I guess I'll start with last week. I was expecting my period anywhere from 2 Friday's ago (the 18th)to mid last week. I don't keep track of my cycle anymore, so I just had a good guesstimate when I'd need to be prepared for AF to arrive. I had lower back pain and cramping 2 Friday's ago, which is SOOO typical AF symptoms. I was ready with protection the next few days. Nothing. Now comes Wednesday, and I'm like, hmmm, I think I was at day 30 and that's not uncommon. The longest I've gone is 33 days. But for some reason, I went THERE. The "what if" Q's starting popping into my head, but they were different than before. Now I was worried I was pg. But, I was like, we'll just wait and see. Well, Thursday came around and after I wiped I saw mucus (sorry tmi) but I'm normally looking for blood! Hmmm...I was also getting hungry more often. Thursday I really started to panic. I said nothing to dh, I mean why?? Why go there and bring up past hurts and feelings, after all, we've moved on! I started to get angry and frustrated. Finally Friday morning I got up early while dh was doing a Bible study. I was determined to take a test I had in my drawer that I bought 2 years ago not to prove I was pg, but to prove I wasn't so I could let my mind relax! So, I actually had to read the directions to see what to do since it's been so long! I took it and I set it down and finished up and looked at it (knowing it said it takes 3 minutes) and it was positive IMMEDIATELY! OHHHH BOYYYY!
I wish I could say I was ecstatic, joyful and felt blessed, but I didn't. I was frustrated and upset. How could this happen NOW, 7 yrs later, and 4 months after God completely took this desire away?? How could this happen now that we have a passion for adoption?? So, I was loudly sobbing as I took out the test to poor hubby. He was praying and I loudly interrupted with by sobs. He looked at me and later told me he thought someone died. I handed him the positive stick and somehow got out "I think I'm pg." He just stared at me in complete shock. We were silent for a long time hugging. He said, how do these tests work, is it true? I said I don't know what this thing means, I've never seen one! I went upstairs to call my dr (who's nurse was really excited!!) and poor hubby went to work waiting to hear what the results were from the doctor. He was like a deer in the headlights, dazed and confused (as was I!).
So, my beta was 2269 (I found this out today, 3 days later...I heard 269) and progesterone was 20.7. I got the call, "You are definitely pregnant." I was like OHHHHHH. I wish I could say at that time I was excited, I was stressed out! What do we do about our home study, what do we do about the profile I just started scrapbooking the day before? What about my last post where we are attending a adoption support group?
Friday and Saturday a lot of tears were shed on my behalf. I had to grieve the child I thought I'd be adopting in the next year. I had to let go of my plans for the next month. I felt convicted and needed to open my heart up to this baby that God created in my womb, even if it meant it would cause me pain (not knowing now if we'd carry it full term). I think I had such a hard time because I HATE that I'm the cliche. I HURT because of how we may be used by insensitive people as the example of "just relax" or "just adopt and you'll get pg". I HURT for those struggling with IF and/or are waiting to adopt. I feel I am the enemy. But, God has put on my heart to be an advocate that God did this. We did not "just relax" or "just adopt" to get us here. It was ALL God. We will make sure to let others know this and to tell them how much it hurts when people say these things.
One funny, almost a tmi thing I'll share, but it is the year of the packer like I posted before! Lets just say my hubby will always remember the day our child was conceived...men never forget the date that their team won the superbowl!!!! We had a GREAT laugh over this!
So, just as I'm starting to accept what God has been doing, I started to spot last night. It was a small amount and was red. I immediately started progesterone and started to stress. How could God do this to me????? But, my amazing hubby talked to me and prayed for me, and I started to feel better.
This morning I went in and had an u/s and thankfully all is good. We are about 5 weeks 3 days along and we saw the sac and the yoke sac. My ob (that I don't like and will be switching) is "cautiously optimistic" and I go back in 2 weeks on my birthday for another u/s to hopefully see the fetal pole.
That's been my EXTREME whirlwind of emotions and life in the last 3 days. I've had on and off cramping, lot of gas (sorry), not happy intestines, tiredness, and today I started to get a little nausea.
To all those who are still waiting, I am sorry, and I hope I do not cause pain. That is not my desire at all.
I ask for prayer for my hubby, myself, but mostly our baby. Dave will be calling one of the agencies this week to cancel our home study that was SOO hard to schedule and letting her know we are pg. One step at a time! My prayer is that God be glorified through all of this!!
Here's a pic from our first u/s, sorry for the quality!
