A special gift

As I blogged about last, we spent Christmas Eve with my side of the family. We had a great time! We had some special gifts that our nieces were SUPER excited to give us. Below you will see why!





My sister actually apologized for not giving Dave and I something, but just gifts for our baby. Later on our way back, Dave and I were talking and he said that "I bet that those gifts meant so much cause you've been waiting so long to receive those kinds of items." I said, yeah, I've been waiting 7 years!! So, those gifts were more than gifts, they were answered prayers.

Happy New Year to everyone! Sometimes this holiday can be hard, especially when we look back over our year and see that we are still waiting for those prayers to be answered. I challenge all of us to not look back, but to look forward to 2011 with a renewed hope in the Lord! Blessings!

Where have ya been??

Thats a good question!! We've had a very insane last week! It's funny, cause a couple weeks ago, I was about to have a slight meltdown cause I was too busy with too much I needed to get done. WELL, I think God knew I could handle SO much more! Last Monday I got food poisoning. Yuck. Tuesday luckily I was feeling better, but we got a call that Dave's dad was brought to the ER with terrible flu like symptoms. Come to find out that he had a terrible infection from kidney stones that was causing kidney failure!!! He was transferred to ICU and stayed there till Thursday where he was finally healthy enough for a regular hospital room. He has no insurance, but has VA coverage...so we are trying to go through many many VA hoops to see if they will cover his expenses!!

We had a great Christmas Eve with my family. I'll post some special pics from that night soon!

Christmas we spent mostly with Dave's family, then at the hospital where his Dad was not feeling good at all. Later that evening Dave and I exchanged gifts.

We had a great Christmas, honestly. It really helped us focus on the real reason we celebrate...which is Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save us through his death on the cross. Christmas wasn't about the gifts or even the traditions for us this year. We were thankful for life and family.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I got to bring Dan home, so that's good! Today I bring him in to the VA doctor...so that will be interesting! Prayers for wisdom and boldness would be greatly appreciated!!

Through all of this, Dave and I have learned priorities. God first, family second, church/job third. Our plates are overflowing, and we need to get back to the basics.

Please pray that we can get some energy to fill out all the adoption paperwork soon!! This has had to take a backseat lately. So, there's the update!

Strength not of my own

"We are Amber and Dave and we are adopting, we are not matched yet, we do have some names picked out, and we are first time parents"

This is my intro to our Baby's First Year class. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? We were last to introduce ourselves. The room was an infertile's nightmare, about 6 happy couples with bulging bellies introducing themselves, their due date, the gender and name of their baby.

At this moment, I truly realized the work that God has done in my life...like allowing me to grieve my IF and move on. It would have been TERRIBLE if I hadn't done this yet. It was awkward enough! I didn't wish that I was in their shoes at that point, I was thankful for where we are at. I will say that I drank a coke right before (benefits from not being pg!!) and I had to pee SUPER bad, so when it came to break time, I beelined for the bathroom. I obviously wasn't alone!! I stood in line and just because they were hugely pg, I did not let them go in front of me! HA! I did kinda feel like the elephant in the bathroom though!

Afterwards dh and I talked on our way home about being the black sheep in the room. I am so aware of the strength that God gave us and the peace with our situation. If this class would have been a couple months earlier, I don't think I would have even stayed long enough to introduce myself! God is good.

Praise

I got a letter from our agency today and to be honest, I was nervous. What if they didn't accept us or we did something wrong?? I started to read the letter and then had to reread what I just read. It was a letter to us telling us that we've been accepted as recipients of a grant of $3000 through them!!!!! Praise God!!! I was in awe and speechless. I am in awe of how God has blessed us in this process so far. Only a month ago we were so stressed trying to figure out which agency God wanted us to go through, and since we've been confirmed over and over again. I am at such peace. All glory to Him!!!

Voicemail from an angel

"Jesus took a little child and had the child stand among them. Then he took the child in his arms. He said to them,"Anyone who welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me. And anyone who welcomes me doesn't welcome only me but also the One who sent me."" Mark 9:36-37 NIrV

Now imagine listening to your voicemail to your 9 year old niece reading this from her Bible telling me that she was thinking of Dave and I as she read this that evening!!!! I started crying as I listened, and replayed on speaker for my hubby to hear our adorable niece. This beautiful niece we helped lead to the Lord on June 18th of this year...

I called to tell her how much it meant to me and she was sleeping already, but I talked to my sis about it. I guess she was reading in her parents bedroom before going to bed (she's reading through Mark in the month of December) and she came out and got a highlighter. My sis was wondering what was going on and she came out to her and read this verse to her, and said she thought of Dave and I while reading it. My sis started crying and told my niece that God works through the Bible by sometimes giving us verses that stand out to us or makes us think of someone we know.

I was so proud of her, and her excitement on wanting to tell us! I saved my voicemail and wish I could save it to my computer...anyway, last night I got a voicemail from an angel!!

They're here!

I was super duper excited when I got this delivery!!! Just to have something that we will be using on our baby makes it seem so real. I actually think this is going to happen!!!! Yeah!

Here comes the comments!!

After my recent discussion with our new "past IF now adopting" buddies, I was wondering if we should have told people about our IF as we were going through it. Our friends did, and I was wondering if I should have for some reason as well.

Well, after hearing some comments already about us adopting, I'm glad I didn't! One person's first reaction was, wow, I've known 4 people that have adopted, and they all had terrible experiences. I was like THANK YOU, I really appreciate that boost of confidence! But she then went on to explain that adoption is painful cause we don't give birth and experience that pain that is involved in child birth...so this is our pain to deal with. Nice, thanks. By the way, she has three kids and may have more.

Later, she went on to say the usual comment of hearing of people getting pg with their own child after adopting. I've heard this MANY times, and I'm sure I'll hear it a lot more. My aunt actually has a neat story with this. She got pg. when she was a teenager and had her older sister adopt the baby. After she got married they had a hard time ttc, and she adopted. Two years later she was matched with a baby girl when she found out she was pg. So, it has happened to someone I know. BUT, this is not my intention on adopting. God has put adoption on my heart period.

So, all in all, I'm so glad I didn't tell too many people about our IF. I'm open to sharing as God leads me though. I can't imagine receiving these comments about IF which is a not so happy thing to talk about. It's hard to hear these comments about adoption which is such an exciting thing! It has really taught me to watch what I say and if it doesn't build them up, don't say it at all!

In the mail, my 1st baby purchase!

I was so excited after reading some blogs on cloth diapers!! I dug in and started researching this new advanced world of diapers. All I remember is my poor niece 9 yrs ago wearing these HUGE cloth diapers that didn't allow her poor little legs to close! Plus, my bil was sewing 3 together just to make them not leak! Now, almost 10 yrs later, they've improved!!

The main reason I am looking into using them is for financial savings!! When first, I have to technically "buy" my baby, then somehow afford to feed and diaper them, I was getting worried! I always thought I'd bfeed our baby, but now that we're adopting, I plan on using formula. I know that bfeeding can be done on adoptive babies...but I really don't desire to try that.

SO, as I was saying, I researched a lot and I bought my first set today!!! They should be shipped today!!! My first baby purchase, yeah!! I went with bumg.enius 4.0 one size snaps. I got the buy 10 get 2 free deal, since I would save almost $40!! I figured this was a good start and I plan on registering for more plus getting some used as well.

I am a budget kinda girl, so this savings is exciting! Now I just need to figure out what to do when we go camping. I'll have to google cloth diapers and camping to see what I find!

Thanksgiving Part 2

We had Thanksgiving "lunch" at my parents house. We normally share what we are thankful for around the table before we eat, but they forgot to and that's when I was going to share our announcement. So, during dinner I was wracking my brain as to how to announce. Then it came to me! So, I said, Dave and I finally figured out where we're going on vacation this year (it's our 10 yr anniversary and we've been talking about taking a trip) and it will be either Missouri or Kentucky. I then paused knowing that someone would bite and ask why. My sis took the bait and said, what's going on there (as to why we choose there instead of Florida or Mexico) and I said we're going to get our baby! I was sitting across from my sis and her mouth literally dropped open as her face turned red and tears began to fly. I lost it of coarse and my mom and nieces did as well. Dave even got teary and a little choked up at their reaction!! My poor dad just got home from working a 12 hour shift overnight cause the roads were bad and didn't hear me too well and just saw all the woman crying and wondered what he said to make us cry!! HA! It was quiet for a while as we were all bawling and shocked and my cute little niece loudly blows her nose to break the silence, it was so cute cause she didn't really understand all that was said, but was so emotional cause the rest of us were. So, my sis said, tell us more! and while I composed myself, Dave started to babble a little bit about our agency and stuff. Then the rest of the day we filled them in on how God called us and to where and got to share our excitement with them! I didn't expect such great excitement and support for some reason, but I got it PLUS more!! It was such a blessing for Dave and I.

Our nieces were super excited as well! The youngest offered us her doll clothes (which are NB size) to borrow when the baby comes and the oldest (9yr old) offered to come help us clean to get ready for the baby!! How cute is that!!! Plus they were online trying to pick out baby names for us with good meanings.

So, overall, I feel blessed that God has given us family that love and support us no matter what. It was a Thanksgiving we'll never forget, and I'm thankful that God's timing on putting adoption on our heart allowed us the opportunity to share our news in such a neat way. I've always dreamed of telling our family that we were expecting, and God allowed that and blessed me with that opportunity still!

Thanksgiving, Part 1

We celebrated Thanksgiving with Dave's parents on Wednesday night. Before getting to that though, I want to share an awesome conversation I had with a friend. A couple at church has been having infertility problems and like us, and didn't talk much about it. Just as we announced we were going to adopt, we found out they were as well. So, she gave me a call Wed. morning to talk about where we are at with adoption. It was a great conversation!! God is so good that he put us both at this place at the same time! They just finished their homestudy last week, so they are one step ahead of us, so they can help answer a lot of those questions. It was so nice to openly talk to someone who has been there, done that with IF, and then share in the excitement with adoption!!! So, our babies will grow up together and we will have a great adoption support group! It was a great blessing!!

We had a great meal with dh's family!! Gotta love it when you have chefs that are making your meal! YUM!! We were so excited to share our news, we've been dreaming of doing it for 7 years!! Dave shares and all are shocked and surprised! But...less than 5 seconds later his sister totally didn't acknowledge what we said, but turned the conversation back on herself. From there on it was slightly disappointing. The moment was ruined and it didn't really get talked about too much at all. Before we left though, his dad said that he's going to be dreaming about his grandbaby! I know their excited, but we went home slightly frustrated. We were exhausted and not looking forward to doing it again the next day with my family. We got some sleep and I'll fill you in on the rest in Part 2!

Paperwork!!

We got our Packet II in the mail the other day. We really weren't as overwhelmed with how much there was...I guess we're just on a mission and nothing is going to get in our way! I'm trying to knock off as much as I can per day, so we're not so overwhelmed when we get our app from our home study agency. I'm hoping that some info is the same so I can copy from one to the other! So, it's kind of like a part time job for me now! I better get back to work!!

He answered!!

These past couple weeks have been crazy, to say the least! Dave and I have been really struggling trying to find clear direction from God on what agency to go with. We prayed, talked, worried, prayed, worried, and prayed some more. Still, it seemed like we were getting nowhere!

Saturday morning, God spoke, and we heard!! I was frustrated cause we had to go to a strategic planning mtg at church that morning, and my heart just wasn't there...I had other things to think about!! But, we went and it blew us away. Everything we talked about for the first half of the meeting was SO what we needed to hear and it totally pertained to our situation! Planning for our church's future and talking about a part in our mission statement "empowered by the Holy Spirit" and what that meant and looked like.

Here is what it can look like:
Doesn't make sense
Can't do it on our own
World may not understand
Take you out of your comfort zone
Have no control of situation

These things may happen when making a decision that is spirit empowered. We were using all these things to make us want to use the other agency (the cheaper one). We were using our facts to why we needed to go with agency 2, and how WE could do it on our own this way.

Even the prayer and Bible verses shared at this mtg pertained to us! We are claiming one for our adoption, and I'll put it at the bottom.

When we got home, we were so in awe and excited to share how God spoke to us. We then knew without a shadow of doubt that God wanted us to go with LB (agency 1 and the expensive one). We are scared when we think about the costs involved, cause we don't have it!! BUT, we know God brought us here, and we're excited to see him work. All for his glory!!

Our hearts are at peace and my mind is no longer spinning. Praise God!! It was an early lesson that we can not do this on our own. We need to totally depend on the wisdom from God through the Holy Spirit as we go through this journey of adoption. There will be many, many more decisions we will have to make (and much harder ones) that we can now look back at this moment and see how he led us! It was a teaching moment.

Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement, it means so much! Now, onto paperwork (and more paperwork!) and fundraising planning!

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen" Ephesians 3:20

Closing the door

Today we had our final follow up with our amazing RE. He basically went over what a chemical pg was, and that I was indeed pg. Then, he offered us a 4th cycle for free (basically an extension to our program for no extra fees). My hubby and I were shocked that he'd do this. If it didn't work, we'd receive all our money back from the program. Sounds good, doesn't it??!

Well, we said, thank you, but no thank you. It was a very emotional and hard decision for ME. I knew in my heart that God opened our hearts to adoption, and that is where he is leading us...but to close a door completely on treatment is a very hard thing to do. I'm so thankful that Dave was on the line with me so he could speak up and talk when I couldn't. Why put ourselves through this when we feel God tugging at our hearts for adoption. He, I feel, will bless us for this decision. He knew that we wouldn't get pg after 3 rounds, He knew that we'd be offered another free cycle, and He knew the perfect timing to place adoption on both of our hearts. He didn't do it AFTER the offer. He did it before we were even finished with the program. I don't think His timing on that was a coincidence.

So, we are taking a step forward in faith. We now know that we can get pg and God can choose to surprise us the natural way if that's what He wants. But, now we're moving on to where we are being led...and we're excited!!! Adoption brings a whole new set of trials and steps of faith. But, I'd rather be in step where the Lord is leading, that on another path in the dark!

Now we just need prayer for conformation that the agency we think we are being led to is correct. We intend to keep going forward, unless God provides some SERIOUS financial blessings that it's obvious we should go with the other!

Switch

Well, I haven't posted in a week. Life's been busy! We found out some important info last Thursday. We received a packet in the mail from the agency that will be doing our home study and post placement. Their fees were about double than what we thought they'd be. But, we then looked and saw that if we went through them for everything (including placement) it would be $12000 cheaper than going through the other agency!! That's A LOT of money!

We also have been finding out those lovely "extra" fees that would be added on, no matter what agency we went with. Attorney fees are quite expensive, plus the chance of medical as well. There is NO way that we could afford going with the original agency when all these fees are added on. But, with this local agency, with the fees added, we could still afford it. SO, I'm patiently waiting to hear back from agency 2, so I can talk to dh and make a final decision and call back agency 1 and tell them that we can't afford them, so sorry, we'd like to use you, but we can't.

Man, this adoption thing is already putting us on a ride, and we haven't even purchased the tickets yet!!

Under attack

Whenever you make a big decision, do you tend to second guess everything? What if this isn't what God wants, what if I'm suppose to do this or that instead?? I will be honest in saying that I'm NOT second guessing adoption...NOT AT ALL! But, I feel like I'm being attacked. I think satan wants me to second guess things.

This morning I talked to a great friend who also works at a local agency that we will be doing our home study and post placement through. When I mentioned the agency that we are doing placement with, she had a couple concerns. She just heard of a couple instances that they "dropped the ball" so to speak. So, I quickly called my hubby, in a slight panic. Our plan was to send in the paperwork today!! He talked to his co worker, who had a bad situation with the agency (one of the "concerns" my friend was talking about), but he still recommended them to us. Dave reassured me over and over that this is what we prayed about and God led us to LB (our agency). OK...that shook me up a bit. I was nervous that we were going to choose the wrong agency, when all along I forgot that HE (God) was in control all along and leading us.

So, that would be enough attack, right?? NO! I called my RE's office cause they were suppose to call a while ago to set up our follow up call and I wanted to get it over with so we could get our money back to use for adoption. So, I talked to his scheduler (who is SO nice and actually remembers me) and she said that she was going to call me tomorrow with his schedule...ok, fine. She then mentioned that he probably wanted to talk to me about doing another cycle, and asked if we'd be interested, cause he's known to give really good deals (especially since they think I still have a huge shot at getting pg). I was like, well, we sent in our app for adoption today...and I really don't think we'd be interested in doing another cycle. I asked, what, is he willing to do it for free, and she said, well, I'll leave that up to him to talk to you about, but lets just say it's close.

Attack, attack, attack!! No, I don't think I could go through another IVF cycle. I don't think that that is where God wants us. Why put ourselves through it if it's not where God is leading us?? So, I think God is at work, doing something amazing in our lives and the devil is trying to throw other things at us, trying to lure us out of God's plan. I just need to keep my eyes upon Jesus, and be in constant communication with my creator to make sure I'm staying on His path...and quit worrying!!

First App in!

Today we mailed in our first application!! Yeah! It's such a relief to get it in, I can't imagine what it will feel like when App #2 is in and everything for our home study! I'm thinkin we'll go out and celebrate when all the paperwork is done! We're one step closer today!

DIA it is!

Dave and I had a great day on Saturday! We made an amazing breakfast together. We got to use our new knives we got from Cutco, UNBELIEVABLE!! Then we spent about an hour in prayer, together and separate, praying for direction on where God is leading us in adoption. It was an amazing time together. It's amazing how praying together as a couple can really make your relationship stronger!

We both felt that God was directing us to domestic infant adoption (dia), and we are SUPER excited! I am in the process of filling out our paperwork to send in this week, and we will probably be attending a meeting this Saturday! Did I mention I was excited??!!

It is so fun planning. I could look through the Sunday adds for things we may need and not feel guilty, like I shouldn't be looking. I know there are some items we'll need to have on hand so we're prepared at least a little when we get the call.

Dave and I decided that we are going to tell our parents on Thanksgiving. We are so excited to let them know, especially being free to tell them we're adopting, when we have never talked to them about our IF. IF won't be a part of our exciting announcement. It's not the reason we are adopting, it's because God has put adoption on our heart. He could have used IF to help put it there, though. Anyway, our family has turned a new leaf!

Negative

My beta was under 2, so it is a negative. It's really different mind set...normally you'd NOT want your numbers to drop...but we knew it was necessary to move on. I'm DONE with all blood work!!! My veins are rejoicing!! So, I'm awaiting my RE to schedule a follow up appt and then we can put it all behind us.

Dave and I have been finally able to talk about some different feelings about adoption, and which situation would be better for us. We are not at 100% decision yet, cause we feel we really need to spend some serious time in prayer about the direction God is leading us. But, I can say I was so excited I printed off the application form!!! I'm READY...but still waiting to make sure this is where we are suppose to be. YEAH!!!

What does it feel like?

So what does it feel like to know that I will never go through another IF treatment cycle again?? One word...freedom.

This reaction really surprised me! But, I am a mostly closet IF'er...not because of embarrassment or anything. I just don't feel that people need to be gossiping about me and a major journey in my life.

So, I no longer have to make up excuses why I can't go somewhere when I really have a retrieval, am on bedrest, need b/w, need to take shots, etc. I no longer have to remember what pills/shots to take when. I no longer have to stay away from caffeine.

My life is no longer around an IF schedule. I'm FREE, Dave and I are FREE to be a normal couple again, instead of a pressured IF couple.

So what are a few things I've done with my new freedom??

The first thing I did was have a Coke! I love my coke, and I stayed away from it for a while for obvious reasons...then I had a cappuccino.

I threw away old meds and papers I no longer needed. I also threw out my needle dispensers (they were both almost full).

I took my dog for a long walk today (couldn't do this before cause he is BIG and pulls, and worried that it would cause something bad to happen)

This one is my favorite: I took a long Jacuzzi with a book!! I can count on one hand how many times I've use the jacuzzi in the last five years cause it's a no no for fertility.

I'm also excited to go shopping (sorry Dave!) I've had a stash set aside for over 5 yrs so when I got pg, I could go buy some maternity clothes! Well, now I can go shopping and not worry that I won't be able to wear it for long (cause I'd be pg soon)or if I'll never fit into it again after pg!

I'm excited to get back in shape! I enjoy exercising...it's a stress reliever plus it makes me feel good about myself. It's amazing what 5 yrs of fertility drugs does to your body!!

So, I have to go in tomorrow for another beta, praying it's below 5 so it's negative and we will be able to put all of this behind us and move on. There's another roller coaster calling our name!

Close...

So, I was shocked to hear my fist beta was 29.7!! Then, I hear "unfortunately" and I'm hit. Today's beta was 8. So, it was a chemical. Seriously...I need to go in again on Thursday since it wasn't neg. yet...probably a technicality so we can get our full refund back.

God is good though. I'm taking this neg. the best. I feel God has prepared me ahead of time with hope through adoption. So, I am excited to say that we're going to take some time to pray to see where God is leading us in adoption (infant/older) and start getting some info on it. I'm ready to move on...on to another journey!

Thank you for all your prayers, I appreciate them!

It is well.

One down

One beta down, one to go.

On the way the Toby Mac song, Hold On, was on the radio and it brought me to tears. Not tears of fear or stress, but the fact that in a couple days the sun will be shining, the clouds of IF will be moving. Either by a positive beta, or a negative, we will be moving on to bigger and better things! I understand that no matter what happens, IF will always be a part of me, but I'm choosing to move on to a new season of life, a brighter one!

It is well!

The last week the song, "It is well with my soul" has been going over and over again in my head, and I've been singing it a lot (when no one is around!) We were at Worldview Weekend this past Saturday, and we sung this song.

Today I read Sarah's Laughter which I get via email which is an Infertility Devotional. Get this...the title is "It is well."

The devo comes out of 2 Kings 4:26. The story is of a Shunammite Woman who struggled with infertility, but was blessed with a son. Her son grew and was working in the fields one day, when he started to feel pain in his head. He died in his mothers arms. The Shunammite Woman raced to see Gehazi, the prophet’s servant. Gehaziz, knowing her visit on this day was unusual, rushed out to meet her. “What is it? Is everything okay? Your husband? Your son?”

And She answered, "It is well."

Below I have quoted some of the devo:


"The faith of this mother is startling. Her child is dead, but her faith is not. When she stands toe to toe with the greatest heartache of her life, she boldly proclaims: “It is well.” Her child still lies on the bed dead. There is no life in his body. She still says “It is well.” She was believing the God who gave her this son to give life to him one more time. “It is well.” She had no proof of the miracle she was believing God for. She just knew deep inside that God was not intimidated by her need or by the size of the miracle she was asking for. This mother could boldly face her worst day and say “It is well.”


Do you realize that the God you serve is no more intimidated by your situation than He was by the death of the Shunammite woman’s son? Your infertility doesn’t startle Him. Your previous miscarriages don’t make Him wonder if He can sustain your next pregnancy. Just like the Shunammite woman, you can stand in the rubble of your current situation and boldly proclaim “It is well!” Even if you cannot see into the heavenly realm with your physical eyes and see how God is working on your behalf, you can make a bold proclamation of faith and declare “It is well.” God is not afraid of your diagnosis, or lack of diagnoses. He has never been confused by what you face. While you wait on a positive pregnancy test or the funding to start your adoption, declare that “It is well.” While you pray for the clarity of God’s plan for your lives and you wait to hear from Him before you make the next steps, as an act of faith in a God not bound by time, say over and over again “It is well.”


You don’t have to wait to see the manifestion of your miracle to say “It is well.” The Shunammite woman didn’t see her son run the door and tell her he was okay before her faith-filled proclamation. She had to maintain her faith through some tough times. A series of events happened before her son was given life again--all culminating with him sneezing in Elisha’s face! (The Bible is an incredibly interesting read. If you haven’t read this story, find it in 2 Kings 4.) Let faith rise within you in the midst of your struggle and say “It is well.” Even if your emotions aren’t lining up with your faith, let your faith take control. It is well. It is well! Let God be a part of your infertility story. In the presence of God, It is well. "

I know NOTHING is a coincidence and am sitting here jaw dropped thinking...this song, "it is well" has been playing loud in my heart for a reason. So, how am I doing today, in the mist of this IF roller coaster, IT IS WELL!

Not much here!

I thought I'd update to say, not much is going on here! Besides the fact that my poor bum is getting sore from 2 pio shots a day. I think I'm getting some knots. The "extra" dose of prog. is making me pretty tired, but luckily I like naps! But, I'm not complaining, it's all worth it.

I have this runny/stuffy nose thing that is slightly annoying. Not sure if it's a mild cold or allergies. I think I also read that high amounts of estrogen in your system can cause it, but my estrogen wasn't really high this month compared to all the cycles I stimmed. Who knows!

I'm not feeling any "symptoms". I really don't know what I'd look for since all the meds I'm on could cause them.

I just ask for prayer as I go in on Friday for my first beta. I hate knowing that someone knows, but aren't telling me. Pray for patience as I wait the whole weekend to go in on Monday for my second beta, and especially on Monday, which I think is the LONGEST wait of all. They will leave a message in the afternoon, and I wait till Dave comes home so we can listen together. My faith over the weekend and especially on Monday will be attacked, please pray for strength and confidence in the Lord. Thanks!

Pharmacy frustrations turn into a blessing

At the beginning of the year, I received a letter from my insurance saying that my prenatal will no longer be considered formulary, so I should look to switch. I had 2 pills left and I needed to refill. So, I ask my dr and they refer me to the pharmacy. I ask my pharmacy, and they refer me to the insurance company. So, I finally figure out which one is covered and I order it. I went yesterday to pick it up and thought it was a little more expensive. After dh pulled away from the window I opened it up and it was my old prescription! So, I went in and explained to a nice pharmacy tech that this isn't what I ordered and it was more than the other. So we returned it and he ordered the new one since it was out of stock.

Now, I'm wondering, how can they just give me a prescription that neither I or my doc prescribed? Granted it was a prenatal...but anyway! Then, the tech calls me on my cell 10 min later to say that the reason they had problems before is that the new one is discontinued and I can go around to local pharmacy's and see if they have it, but they don't. So, now I'm mad cause, really, how much time do I need to spend on this??? So, of course my ins is not open to answer Q's and I couldn't figure it out online, so I called back and told the guy, fine, I'll go with the other one and pay more, I'll just have 3 months to figure something else out. It is a 90 day supply.

ANYWAY, if you've read this far into my vent, the blessing part is coming. So, today after church I walked in to get the prescription and the same tech was working. He remembered me, of coarse, and he apologized over and over again for the hassle. I said, not a problem, it's all worked out for 3 months. He said, good, all that matters is that you have them now so you're happy and you're baby is happy. I just smiled and said thank you.

I've never been presumed pg. before. I probably would have been offended in any other situation, like, WHAT, do I look pg???? But here, I felt blessed that yes, God has 2 beautiful babies inside of me now, and I am pg. It's just up to God if he decides to keep me that way.

So all in all, God knew this little mishap would allow me to feel special. To feel pg., and I consider that a huge blessing!!

Beautiful Picture

We had our FET on Wed morning. It went great, they both survived the thaw (thanks for the prayers) and both were transfered. My doc is amazing!!! He walks in and tells me in is European accent, I've been doing this for 20 years for YOU and this situation to get you pg! He was so confident and didn't give us any percentage or anything, just that, you will be pg! Praise God for at least some extreme optimism!

I have a really really cool story about our babies. The embryologist came in before the transfer and showed us our cuties and told us that they both survived the thaw and looked great. We had a few questions, like when did you thaw them and such...but at the end I asked if the freeze causes damage to the cells, and if they can tell. She said that the freeze does cause some damage, but then pointed to our babies and said, if we see dark black spots, that means the cell died or is damaged, but look here, see how your babies are reflecting the light, that means they are alive. I thought that was neat, and then she left. For some reason my "happy pills" weren't feeling as strong (for some reason I wonder if they were the right ones, but anyway) I had a deep thought I shared with Dave. We have been studying Jesus is the Light at church a couple weeks ago, and the only way we can reflect the light is to go directly to the source, Jesus Christ. We need to have that intimate relationship in order for us to reflect the light. Our babies are reflecting that light in our picture of them! We feel that Jesus was shining his light of life on them, and they were reflecting it in the picture! How amazing is that. It was such a peaceful thought...and during my transfer it was hard to hold still because all I could think about was that Jesus was there, with us in that room, shining His light on us and our babies at that time. He was there, and His word says where 2 or more are gathered in my name, I will be there...well he was there with the 4 of us, our whole family! Praise God!

Our beta's will fall on a Friday and Monday, stupid weekend! So, we'll know the 25th. Please pray for us, for our babies, that Jesus's light of life will continue to shine on all of us, and not my will, but his be done.

The FET is set

We're doing our FET (frozen embryo transfer) on Wed. the 13th! I was excited to hear all looked well and we could go ahead. It's funny when I go in for u/s's I always get told what a beautiful uterus I have...now that's a comment you don't normally hear! HA! Now, if it would just behave and allow these babies to implant instead of sittin around looking pretty, I'd be happy!!!

This week God really brought me to realize my lack of faith. It was so easy to be excited about adoption (which I still am). But I think I was also using it as something to allow me to look past the upcoming FET. We've honestly had lost hope after our 3 failed fresh cycles. This last cycle was just going to be a flop anyway, just like the rest, so why get so emotionally involved, right?! I was really saying,"I'm going to not have faith that my God has a plan for these 2 and I'm not going to have hope, so I'll just move on to the next step emotionally."

I was really feeling I was missing out on something. God doesn't want me to lose hope in him. He doesn't want me to lack in faith in his abilities, especially after this whole 6 yr IF journey! How can I come to what I feel as the end, and still choose to lack faith in him???? It's easy! I have my flesh to blame, and possibly the enemy.

SO, I am putting all the research on adoption on hold temporarily so I can focus on this cycle. I mean, he allowed these 2 beautiful, perfect babies to last this long when no others have. He has proven time and time again through history that he works in clutch situations. I can say that me having faith that God will have us be parents somehow and being open to adoption has really allowed me to give complete control of this cycle over to him. I'm not hanging on, just excited to see him move. We're coming up to a fork in the road. Will he choose us to take the path of adoption, or choose to allow these babies to implant and become healthy children?? We'll have to wait and find out!!!

An Award!!

I received an award from Jess at A Greater Yes and it is the first award I've ever gotten, thanks! Go check out Jess's blog for an awesome story on IF and EA (embryo adoption)!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows:
Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.

Mrs. Hammer at ...Expect Miracles...

Kristi at Little Steps to Baby Steps

Amber at Fertility Hiccups

Hillary at Making Me Mom

Everyone says a FET is easier...

...but I beg to differ!! They say your on less meds, but I'm just minus ONE shot, plus I'm taking more estrogen. I feel like junk! This is by far the worst cycle! I am nauseous and dizzy around the clock. I think it makes my mind spin in circles (sometimes I think I can actually see it spinning...it goes clockwise if your wondering!) and it's really hard to focus. I have a couple adoption books I'm trying to read, but my mind can't slow down enough to understand what it's saying!

As of today, after my u/s and b/w, I need to increase my estrogen to 4 pills a day and recheck everything on Friday. Praying it rises to where it needs to be and we can still be on schedule for the FET next Wed...and these symptoms go away!

Surrender

At church yesterday during worship time the song Surrender started and I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Not tears of sadness, but this song just fits for where I am at right now. It was a great time of worship for me. I'm so used to singing worship songs and tying them to IF and me, NOT Him! It's a great song and I'm proud that this is where God has brought me. It took a LONG time! Below are the lyrics:

I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song
I'm waiting at the Cross
All the world holds dear
I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

Joy

I'm experiencing such a sense of joy lately. I feel I'm coming to an end of a journey, one I've been on for 6 years. It wasn't until now that I didn't understand how this journey could end. I always saw it ending in fear and frustration. We would be childless, or we would be blessed with one, but still walking the IF journey to give our child a sibling. It was never ending in my mind.

I can now say that I see a light at the end of our tunnel. This light I see is not what I thought it would look like. It's better and more exciting. I thought I'd feel relief, but instead I feel anticipation. I thought IF would define me negatively, now I am so thankful for it. When I started this journey, I would never wish IF on anyone, now I wish everyone had a chance to experience it. Experience the marriage growth, the personal growth, the spiritual growth, and to feel that your life is exactly how God intended it to be.

I still may not see the end to this journey, but I feel it coming. It may not be how I thought it would end, but I have a strong feeling it will be WAY better than I ever intended. Will it end in God pulling a miracle and blessing my 2 babies to implant in October, or will it end with us adopting children who are praying for a mommy and daddy. I don't know which way, but I know without a shadow of doubt, that in the end, God will make us parents.

This light I see at the end is Christ, and I intend to follow him to see the amazing conclusion to this story...one that will be a new beginning for our family. Praise God!

Where God can open doors when your open!

So much has happened since my last post! Yes, God is still putting adoption on our heart, but in a new way...in a way I never thought of. It all started when I was reading a Karen Kingsbury book called "Take Three" (a series). During this time I was praying about which agency God might be calling us to for infant adoption. I finished the book, and in the end the author writes a little blip and then has her website to check out if your interested in learning more about Jesus, her, or adoption. So I checked out her site and she adopted 3 boys from Haiti. She found them one night on an website for kids waiting to be adopted. Her and her husband weren't necessarily thinking about adoption, they already had 3 bio kids. But these boys tugged at her heart. I recommend reading her story if interested, it brought tears to my eyes www.karenkingsbury.com under adoption.

Anyway, she said the agency she used is no longer open, but gave a website to go in regards to adoption. So, I went there. I searched the photo listing of waiting kids. And then I saw them. It was a sibling group of three that I somehow remember seeing about 6 months ago. They grabbed at my heart. I remembered what Karen said when she saw the pics of the boys..."God, are these my children?", I asked myself? In my opinion (what I can go off of in the description) these kids matched us to a tee. So, the next night I showed my dh (Dave, that's YOU...he didn't know what dh meant:) and he also felt his heart going out to them. Since then we've been trying to get any info we can on "special needs adoption", which basically means foster children who are in need of being adopted. My dh and I can visually see our forever family coming together. We'd become a family of 2, to a family of 5!! I really can only say that this is God's doing. I never had even thought of foster adoption. I felt that IF has really put me in a "baby" mentality. But, dh and I talked and we are ok if we don't have an infant. Can you imagine not having to do diapers,formula,naps, potty training, etc?! Granted, there are other "things" that you deal with with foster children.

But, get this...you may get adoption assistance by adopting a foster child! So, the adoption home study and most fees are of no charge plus you may get medical assistance AND monthly assistance! How crazy is that? In an infant adoption we'd pay about $20,000 (but hopefully get the adoption tax credit) but then have NO financial support after that...but with this program they pay us to support them!

SO, we are attending an informational meeting on Oct. 12th...the day before our FET! I really feel God at work. I mean, how much less stress is it on me that if this FET doesn't work, we feel God hasn't closed the door, just allowing us an opportunity down another path. Even if these 3 we found aren't available (we are really praying they are though) we feel God used them to open our hearts up. So, this is a crazy amazing month coming up. I find myself SUPER excited to tell our families about us looking to adopt. We will wait until we find out if the FET worked or not. It has been such a freeing experience for me, a closet IFer. We've already talked to 2 people at church about it since they either foster care or work at the agency we were looking into. I was excited to talk to them...not scared or nervous as I am about IF. God's moving, and I plan on following!!!!

Happy 9th Anniversary Babe!

Even though this is almost a week late (hey, we were camping over our anniversary, so give me a little break), I wanted to thank my husband for an AMAZING 9 years!!! I can't believe it's been this long, but as I look back, it's amazing to think of how much we've grown together and how much we've experienced together. God has blessed me with such an amazing husband...you are my best friend!! You are the one who I am excited to share my crazy day with, the one who I look for comfort, wisdom, and a long hug with reassurance that I am all you need. I thank you for your spiritual leadership in our family, that you practice what you preach. Most of all, I thank you for choosing me to be your wife. I am humbled and feel so blessed to be called your wife!!!!! I love you David, Happy 9th Anniversary!!!

God's opening doors to my heart

My prayers for the last year or so was that if God didn't want me to be a mom, that he would take away that desire in which he gave me. Now, the desire is not gone, but I believe he is working in me.

The last few weeks, I've been researching adoption. I've just had it on my heart. Something did trigger it. At our church, we did an outreach event called "God's Extreme Makeover, Bayside Edition". We did not tear down a house, but provided many necessities to a family in need that we might take for granted. This family touched me. The family consisted of a single mom and 6 kids. It was an amazing event, God was there and moved not only in my life, but the family's as well(the mom repented and trusted Christ as her Savior). After the event, we had a 5 day club at the nearby park, which I hosted. Now, if you knew me, this is not something I would do (not cause I don't believe in it...I'm just a shy type I guess...)God put this on my heart that this neighborhood needed this club, and he opened the door through our event. Anyway, I got to know 5 of this families kids very well. I fell in love with them! They appreciated so much, and all they wanted was someone to love them, to hug them, to play in the park with them, to hold them...SO, this family was recently evicted (not off of anything they did) and the mom is living with a friend where there are about 20-30 people hanging out at all times...not the best place for kids to be. So, a few families at church have taken some of the kids in to help provide a stable environment for them. I normally would NOT think of helping out...my life is busy. BUT, my heart really softened and it made me open up to think that I could help, and it really made me think of adoption. There are so many kids out there, like this families, that are looking for love and someone to take care of them. Plus, it really made my heart open for adoption of children of a different race. I no longer feel that my children need to look like me. I'm actually excited about raising our children in a mixed race family.

Anyway (sorry for the long post), but I finally had a chance to share how I was feeling with my hubby, and he is very open to adoption! He actually had a very vivid dream a while ago about us in a courtroom and the excitement we were feeling about this child finally being ours! Now, we're baptists, so we're not always quick to say that God gave us a vision :) BUT, I think he does and can, and we'll just wait and see how God works things out!

So, we're in prayer now for the next couple of months. A lot of prayer cause we still have our frozen embryo transfer in October and we don't feel we should get started with adoption before this cycle ends...it's so hard. Since being seasoned veterans to 3 failed IVF cycles, it's so hard to be positive and excited that "this could be it!" It's crazy though...after this 3rd fail, I told my dh that I wasn't ready to be done. I was still looking into doing more cycles. But, now, I feel ready to be done...to say that I am ok if I'm never pg., but excited about the opportunity to be a mom. Excited to jump onto another roller coaster...

Please pray for us, that we would have amazing hope and belief that God can do amazing things through our FET (frozen embryo transfer). But also, that if God is calling us to adopt, that no matter the results of our transfer, that we would listen and GO.

Here's the video that was made for God's Extreme Makeover, an event that God used to open doors to my heart. Enjoy!

God's Extreme Makeover from Bayside Baptist Church on Vimeo.

No Fear

In my study today, God brought me to another cool passage. I'm studying faith right now. I'm looking into many areas in the Bible that talk about faith...I feel this is where God is leading me and where I need a lot of strengthening. I read out of Mark 5 starting with verse 21 where it is talking about the woman with a bleeding disorder and how she just touched Jesus and was healed. Now my study Bible goes into saying that Jesus sensed in himself that power went out from him, not merely by being touched, but by being touched by someone who has faith that he can heal her. Wow, God has so much power that we can tap into, but the thing is that I think is so cool is that he sensed her FAITH!

So, that wasn't even the main story that stuck out, but it does rank high, but Mark 5:36 hit me when Jesus said..."Do not fear, only believe." This speaks volumes to me! My thoughts can be so consumed with fear about this cycle not working, my frosties not surviving, where do I go from here, my life being childless, etc. Here, Jesus told this to the rulers of the synagogue who are lacking belief that he can raise the girl from the dead. Jesus then only allowed a few disciples and the girls parents to go with him to see her so they could witness a miracle.

Now, I want to be the one with Jesus witnessing a miracle! I don't want to be left outside because of my fear and lack of belief in His power!! I want to have so much faith and belief that I'm front and center (not that position matters, I just meant it as a catch phrase.) So here I am, studying God's Word, specifically "Faith" and praying that I will have it abundantly!

Time to rebuild

IF can be such a trial of faith. I believe my faith has grown immensely from it, but also, I feel I can lack it after a bfn. It takes time to hope and dream again. It takes time to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. That may sound crazy, but it's true. I feel God has greatly increased my faith in him. I felt so strong before this last bfn. Then, when you get the news that it didn't work, that faith can fade a little. That desire to be in such a close relationship with Him tends to fade. This is not His choice, but my own. I don't even know if I subconsciously know I'm doing it. But, it's time to rebuild. It's been long enough...too long.

I was reading in Matthew today and I was reading about the man who came to Jesus asking him to have mercy on him and heal his son who was possessed and would fall into fire and water. The man said that the disciples were not able to. Jesus healed the boy and cast out the demon, and the disciples privately asked Jesus why they could not. It was a lack of faith. In my study Bible, it said that it's not that the disciples didn't have faith, just some times it can be weaker or stronger. This spoke to me. It's not like I don't have faith, it's just weaker right now cause of the blow of the 3rd ivf failing. BUT, I also took from this that I need to start working on strengthening my faith because how can I expect God to work miracles in my life if I stay weak? He can still through my weakness, BUT, I want to have the faith that is 110% confident that he is still working miracles, and that he allowed us to still have 2 healthy beautiful blasts to transfer that he CAN allow me to carry to full term...and hold them in my arms...and watch them grow over the years.

So, this is a time of "me". I know that may sound selfish, but I feel my relationship with the Lord must come first. Everyone else (besides my hubby) takes a back seat. For some reason everyone feels they need to dump their load on me, well, I am not going to accept that right now. I need to strengthen myself before I can strengthen others. And, the truth is, I can't strengthen anyone, they need to be doing exactly what I'm trying to do, be in a more intimate relationship with God through prayer and His Word.

So, that's it fokes! I received my meds this week, and somehow it's already September...so I start my Lupron soon (since I'm a ivf veteran, I do not have all the dates memorized)!

Follow Up

We had our follow up call with our RE today...man I really like him! Anyway, he of coarse is still confident that this can work for us, but even more so that our 2 frozen embies are of the highest quality and are hatching blasts! So, this is great news! Praise God for good news, it comes at the best time, where bad news would really give me doubt and loss of hope.

I believe our transfer will be in the beginning of October. He wants me to go down again for an u/s and make sure there are no polyps or anything affecting implantation and when he pulls out the catheter (with die for the uterus) he's going to remove a little bit of tissue which can help implant embies in the future. He said it was painless and the whole thing will take less than 5 minutes! I need to travel down there and back (which will be 5 hours of driving) for 5 minutes...but it's worth it.

He says he's throwing the book at me this time and he knows who we are (by face) and it's no longer business between us, it's personal and he wants us to get pg. I thought that was really thoughtful to say! It's funny, I've seen him maybe 6-7 times and he KNOWS us, where I did 7 IUI's and 3 ivf monitoring cycles with my OB, and he STILL doesn't know who I am!! My ob's like, is this the first time your doing ivf...I'm like NO, this is the 3rd...and I don't think there are more than a few couples at most going through ivf in the office...hmmmm....

Anyway, here's to the final of finals...the last chance shot that will hopefully make it before the buzzer!

Our hope is not gone

So, here we are, after 3 failed fresh attempts. I never thought it would come to this. In a weird way, the 3rd fail was easier to take than the first 2. I don't know if I'm just immune to failing, or if it was just God's cycle, and out of my control anyway...I'm hoping it's the latter. BUT, one thing that honestly never crossed my mind was that this attempt would fail and we would still have ONE more chance! HA! My dh said before we knew the results that he was excited to find out, we'd be hearing from God what direction he may be leading us. God sure made this one easy, we have one final round! I feel blessed by this opportunity.

I wonder why did God choose us to have two left to freeze? Is it so we can experience a frozen cycle...so we can get more bang for our buck...or he chose these two to be our extreme stretch of faith, our bonus round when we thought we were done...our blessings that we will get to hold on this side of heaven.

We may never know these answers, but again, we need to just lay these 2 beautiful blessings at their Creator's feet, and trust Him with the outcome.

Negative

We're crushed. I thought this was it, but my message told me to start b/c on day 3 already. I asked dh if we ever recieved our update via mail telling us if any were frozen. He did, and hid the letter. I told him before that it was too hard to see that none made it. So we went and opened it and 2 were frozen...so I guess we're moving on to a fet. Thanks for all your prayers!

Take time to read your own shirt!

Last night I again was starting to get some butterflies about the upcoming blood draws. Unfortunately, this is one area that I have been through and I can compare cycle to cycle on. All I know is failure. BUT, in my heart of hearts, I still believe our God is going to bless us with a positive. So, I have this battle going on in my head...I guess you could say it's a spiritual battle over belief and faith. I am trying my HARDEST to stay focused on God and nothing else.

So, as I was going through a struggle last night, God spoke to me...through my t-shirt! HA! I've had this shirt for like 3 years. I wear it all the time. It's from a youth retreat at church where we were leaders at this event.

Side note, last year I did a woman's Bible study on Daniel from Beth Moore (amazing I might add.) I really felt called to the story of the three men (no, I can't spell their names off hand) who were going to be thrown in the fiery furnace. They believed God could deliver them from the furnace, and even if he didn't they would still only serve God. This story I feel relates to what I'm going through. IF is my fiery furnace. So my motto has been this last cycle, God has the power to deliver me from this fiery furnace (IF). But even if he doesn't, I will serve HIM.

Back to my story...I was getting ready for bed and I took of my t-shirt and looked at it. It says "Consuming Fire" on top with a cool looking cross with flames on the bottom. Then there's a verse...and I actually set down my shirt, then caught a glance at one of the words and was like WHAT! Here's what is says

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us. Daniel 3:17

That's my verse! HA! I've been praying this verse for months and all along it was on my t-shirt and I didn't even know it!!!! That was an amazing God moment for me, he knew I needed that...how funny to think that God can even use our t-shirts to speak to us! I wore it today to my blood draw, and I felt AMAZING peace afterwards. It's in God's hands.

Patience

Patience is never something I was good at. I know it is a gift of the spirit, but honestly, most of the time I choose not to have it! So, we are coming around the bend to our beta's this week. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. I have confidence, but I also feel I'm being tempted to be fearful. God has been SO amazing this cycle, and has made this unlike any that I've had, so I have nothing to compare it to. This is a blessing. I don't think I have any symptoms. I'm on so much Progesterone and Estrace, that I don't think I could tell them apart anyway.

My husband is amazing. He has been VERY confident, and has been so positive about this cycle, and making sure I know how he feels about it. He (and I) have seen the crazy awesome things God has done (over the last 3 cycles, even more specifically with this last one) and how he has led us here, that we have absolutely no reason to not believe he will bless us with a pg. We have no reason to doubt him. He has shown himself to us in amazing ways the last month, and we believe it's on purpose.

My amazing husband is actually planning a date night for the night we find out together. Dave, I love you, thank you for being a constant reminder of God's love for me. Thank you for your vocal confidence and your advice to help me stay strong this week (get into His Word). I LOVE YOU, and I am excited to celebrate with you!

All snuggled in

Our transfer went great on Monday. I was nervous/excited to hear our fertilization report. Out of the 13, 12 were mature, and 10 fertilized! From what I gathered (I was starting to feel the effects of the Valium) all of these 10 were still doing good. They transferred 2 early blasts, which means they were 35-60 cells. Blasts are 60-100, but from what I hear, they can grow to blasts even within a few hours. Our 2 were graded at a 1.5 out of 4, 1 being excellent. They were going to watch the other 8 to day 6, and if they made it to blast stage and were a 2 or better rating, they would freeze them.

For some reason I was in shock at looking at the numbers. I know God has been incredible during this cycle, but in the past 2 cycles, I had none that made it to day 5! Praise God! My prayers are that God would guide the 2 that are in me to continue to grow and flourish into beautiful babies that would implant and stay put for 9 months and come forth as beautiful healthy children...and the 8 that are NOT in me, that his will for their lives would be accomplished.

Funny side note, we were driving around the night before our transfer and we came to a pretty high end neighborhood. I told Dave, now really, does anyone really need a house that big, unless they have like 10 kids or something! HA!

My doc was very optimistic about this cycle, he seemed very pleased! I am just at peace...shocked that I have 2 embabies inside of me already, and that we will find out in just over a week.

My husband has been amazing. He has been serving me like a princess, and really sacrificing his time after work. Poor guy doesn't get to sit down till after 10! I am off of bed rest today, but I'm still taking it easy. Thank you hon for serving me and loving me so much!!! I pray God blesses you for all you are doing out of love.

I'll leave you with a verse of confidence!

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him."
Jeremiah 17:7

How Great is our God!

I just got a call from my dh. Our mortgage rep called us and said she can lower our payment or years of our mortgage and interest rate for no fee! We never called her or anything. We tried to refinance 2 years ago, and it stunk, it fell through. Praise God, though, cause we were able to use our equity line for IVF! So, we're able to lower our interest rate by a point and a half plus knock off 10 yrs of our loan for a little extra per month, but with NO closing costs or appraisals!!! In the long run it will save us almost $70,000!!

So, after that I was itchin to call Medvoice. This is where my clinic leaves instructions for me. I called an hour early, just in case, and there was a message. I went into panic mode! Dave and I have been praying for a 5 day transfer. We've never had enough embryos or healthy enough to make it that far. But, we do trust that God knows best, and it lies in his hands.

So, my favorite nurse (who is a Christian) was the one leaving the message. And she said that the embryologist believe that Monday would be the best day for transfer! PRAISE THE LORD!! I was literally screaming, "thank you Jesus"! We get a 5 day transfer where they will already be blastocytes and have a better chance of survival. PLUS, we may even have some to freeze!!! CRAZY, but not...God has been in control! So, I get to go to church on Sunday and praise God in worship! Yeah!

To end my message, the nurse left me a personal note! She said that Dave and I have been in her thoughts and prayers! I broke down after hearing that! How amazing is that, my clinic leaves a message of instructions, then a staff member tells me she's praying for us!! It's amazing how God works and directs our paths!

So, to say the least, I'm on cloud nine praising God. In the last hour he has blessed us in so many amazing ways! Not to us, but to him be the glory!

Update

God is so good! He has been answering so many of our prayers lately. It has really given us faith that he'll even answer some minuet prayer on a free room upgrade (that we don't even ask for), to which nurse anesthetist we have.

The retrieval went great! Dave and I were so relaxed and so at peace. The surgery went great, and the nurse told Dave that he could tell me the final number in the recovery room. Dave was like ok, but we're not focused on the number this time. Anyway, he told me 10! This is the most we've ever gotten (past 7 and 8)! My doc said their was a 50/50 chance that we'd have a 5 day transfer instead of a day 3. I was praying for 10, but I was really ok with whatever. Well, right after my dh told me 10, the embryologist came in and said, nope, there's 13! Praise GOD! He is so good to us!

Now, I fully know that the number of eggs means NOTHING. God can do his work with just 1. So, we are praying for our babies that hopefully God created yesterday. He knows them all and created them all for a purpose. We are praying, if it's his will, that we would be blessed to carry them full term and deliver a healthy baby or babies!

We find out Friday afternoon what day we have our transfer on. We are excited and are waiting in Great Anticipation and AWE as we get to see his hand at work!

Spaghetti Feed

For Dave's Birthday party we had a spaghetti feed. We had both our families and our "adopted" family, the Fulkersons (who happen to be moving this week :(

Last year we had a pasta bar, and Dave loved it, so we thought we'd do it again, with a little fun attached. My sister gave me the idea earlier, and I thought this would be a blast. So, we had everyone take a seat around the tables and we would serve them. I came in with the spaghetti, my sis and nieces came with the sauce and we dished them up...MINUS the dishes...oh yeah and we didn't allow any utensils either!!! You should have seen the shock on everyone's faces!! We had garlic bread to "dip" in the sauce on our tablecloth as well. We had a BLAST! It definitely took many out of their comfort zone, I mean spaghetti can be hard to eat anyway! It was a great experience, and definitely a great memory for all of us! Here's some great pics to enjoy!

The Birthday Boy diggin in!

Getting Ready!

I had my u/s and b/w yesterday to determine when we would be having the retrieval. God bless my u/s tech, but she had no idea what she was doing. I had to tell her to measure all the follies (yes, I did say ALL of them, she thought just the biggest one on each side!) and what they have done in the past for u/s. It really took about a half hour PLUS to do the u/s. I'm thankful she didn't just plow through it, BUT, my legs were QUITE sore in those lovely stirrups for that long! They were convulsing! Ha! The joys of IF! Anyway, she thought she saw 15! On Saturday we had to head down to the cities to get an u/s and they counted 13.

So, I triggered last night, which means we have our egg retrieval on Wednesday morning! I'm super excited. I'm not sure why, I'm going into surgery, but I am very calm and peaceful with the results. I am not worrying how many are retrieved and how many mature, etc. I have complete confidence that God is in control, and I am NOT! That is one thing I keep repeating to God over and over, "God, this is your cycle, you are in control and I accept your perfect plan."

So, we are looking to probably have our transfer on Saturday, with a small chance being on Monday instead (I say that cause we've always done 3 day transfers, but things can change!) After the transfer is when the real trial begins. It is REALLY challenging at that point, but I'm praying for strength and peace during the dreaded 2ww (2 week wait).

Praise!

Today I had my u/s to see how many follies we are dealing with. I found as I started thinking about it this morning, I started to get anxious about it. What if there weren't enough, what if the meds haven't been doing there job? I quickly reminded myself, this is God's cycle, I have put it in his hands to do what he whats with it.

Right before the doc came in, I prayed that there would be a perfect number of follies (God's perfect number, not mine) and that my doc would have a positive attitude. I'm doing monitoring at a satellite clinic, so I'm using my OB, not my RE, and my OB has kinda stressed me out over the last couple cycles with doubts. So, doc comes in, and we take a look. Uterus lining looks perfect, then he went over to the rt. ovary. I see a few small black circles, but it can be so hard to tell. In the past 2 ivf cycles, at this point of the cycle I've had 4-6 follies total, which at retrieval time I had 7-8 retrieved. So, he starts counting on the rt, wouldn't you know, there's 6 in just that ovary!! So, then we look over at the left, 6 there too!!!!! Praise GOD!! The largest is only around a 10, so we have a few more days to go to get them to mature, but my doc was very positive and said my RE will really be happy with these results. He is going on vacation tomorrow, so he said he hoped to see me in 6 weeks as my new OB.

So, I was on cloud nine praising God! How great is our God!!! He immediately calmed my fears and answered my prayers, which has given me more hope and faith in Him!

I happen to fall upon this Psalm right after coming home from the appt.

Psalm 21:1-4

O Lord, in your strength the king rejoices, and in your salvation how greatly he exults! You have given him his heart's desire and have not withheld the request of his lips. For you meet him with rich blessings; you set a crown of fine gold upon his head. He asked life of you; you gave it to him, length of days forever and ever.

Got a kleenex?

I am an emotional WRECK! I don't remember being like this at all the last two cycles! I bawled at church on Sunday (there was a video made of our God's Extreme Makeover event), I cried over a dog in the ER, I even cried (well, came REALLY close to) while picking out a birthday card for the hubby at Walmart!!!! When he opened and read it, I started crying, and I gave him a slightly humorous card!!! Wow! I can laugh about it now, but at least it's crying and not being crabby (right Dave!!)

I go in tomorrow for my u/s and b/w. We'll see if we'll be triggering on Saturday as planned, or if we need to stim a little longer!

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

Happy Birthday to my AMAZING husband today! He turns 33, what a great age, huh?!

Hun, I fell in love with you at first sight. I fell in love with your soul and who you are deep inside on St. Patrick's day 2001. I am thankful for our AMAZING marriage, that has been tested through the journey of life. You are my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my spriritual rock, and my amazing husband that puts his arms around me and tells me that it's going to be ok. Thank you! I pray God will continue to bless you in AMAZING ways over the next year as we continue to grow together in our journey. I LOVE YOU!

Your blessed wife,
Amber

Devil's tryin to get my goat!

There are a few people in this world that cause me some serious stress and anxiety. They have issues that exhaust me and I feel they are always emptying my well! So, they always say for your IVF cycle to try to eliminate stress. I feel this cycle I am doing a great job at that, as I've posted before, God and I have grown in leaps and bounds over the last few months. My trust and peace comes from Him.

WELL, I really feel like I'm being attacked this last week. I am doing my best to cast all my cares (and anxieties) on Him. I put out one fire over the weekend, now another one showed up, and they will be around for the next few weeks (and all their problems)!!!! SERIOUSLY, stay away! I can't deal with you, you stress me out! So, I am praying that God would have victory in this area of my life, that I will continue to trust him for my peace (and quiet) for the next few fragile weeks!

All clear

Yesterday I got the "all clear" to move ahead with our cycle! Tomorrow I start stimming! Wow, I am so thankful for the answered prayer of a clear u/s (ultrasound) and good b/w (blood work) numbers!! I am now praying for a GREAT response from the meds and very healthy eggs from the retrieval (in turn creating GREAT embryos!) I'm looking forward to seeing God's hand at work again...He is so amazing, every detail is perfect in his creation. Praise God!

Freedom

We had a great 4th of July! After church we went and handed out invites to a 5 day club we were hosting in an area that our church did God's Extreme Makeover. We as a church blessed a family that was lacking daily items that they would need. I plan on posting about this later. Anyway, we realized the need for a club in the area to let the kids hear the gospel.

After handing out invites, we decided to take a nap instead of going to the parade. GREAT idea! We had a BBQ after at dh's parents with some fam and friends. We did go to the fireworks this year, but I'm thinking it will be my last!

Seriously PEOPLE! There were fireworks going off by everyone (since I'm sure they were all licensed and permitted and knew what they were doing...or NOT!). We literally felt like we were in a war! Our friends (who were not sitting by us) actually had to hit the deck and run off cause one went off wrong and was shooting them off everywhere. This angers me so much. We are celebrating freedom, but our culture has lost the meaning of freedom. They think it means they have the freedom to do what they want, when they want, no matter how it could effect anyone else. So, to say the least, I do not believe I will be doing that next year! I will enjoy them either on tv (ha!) or watch from WAY afar!

Let the games begin!

Or something like that! I've already been taking Lupron for almost a week, and I'm done with b/c! I have a baseline appt on Thursday already! Crazy! I was telling Dave that this time is so different. The first 2 attempts all I could think about was when I was taking what and at what time. NOW, I'm almost forgetting to take stuff! My mind isn't so wrapped around this cycle...I mean I'm really excited, but I'm also not allowing it to consume me. You'd think that the 3rd one would be more stressful, especially since this is the last of the shared risk attempts. BUT, for the first time, I don't fear that this is my only chance (like I did for the past few years!) I believe God has amazing plans for us. I believe the first 2 "failed" attempts of ivf did bless us with many miracles...just not the baby miracle. I fully believe in the power of God and that HE CAN open my womb and create beautiful life out of this attempt, but I also believe that if this one fails, He is not done with us yet!

Busy, Busy!

Time has been flying by! I received my BIG delivery a couple weeks ago. It's like Christmas in a box...a very expensive box...that could possibly help us become parents. CRAZY! So, being that this is the third time around, all the needles and shots just don't scare me as they use to. It's just something that needs to get done to help me get from point A to point B.

I can't believe I start taking Lupron in a week! It really came fast!!

I find myself getting excited again, like I have hope for this cycle. I read a great devo from Sarah's Laughter the other day talking about our rear view mirror. Our past shouldn't be on our mind so much, that we loose view of what God can do in the future. We have a "rear view" to help us remember how God has blessed us in our past and to where he has brought us from...he did not give it to us to focus on how every cycle in the past has failed or all the treatment. I know in my 2nd ivf cycle, it was hard to be excited cause all I was thinking about was the past. I feel this time I have grown a lot since the last ivf, and I'm ready to move forward with excitement for what our amazing God can do, which is far more than we can ask or imagine!

Blogging world

I am so thankful for the blogging world. It connects you with so many people that are experiencing the same life issues. I love it!! I have MANY IF blogs that I follow. This is my community.

Sometimes, I venture "out" and read blogs that are not at the same stage of life as I am. It's not too often, though...but when I do, I find myself upset and angry at people for their comments. They're not rude or mean, I just can't relate with them. I'm normally thinking, MAN, be thankful for what you have! But, I understand, that just like me, they are blogging about their life and their feelings. I just have to remind myself of that, and realize that it may not be wise for me to venture out...sometimes in life we need to stick in our comfort zone...and I think my blogging community is one of them.

Ready, Set, GO!

It's official, we're "officially" starting the process for our next IVF! I started b/c on Wed. night. I can't believe we're here already! It seems like such a long time ago that we did our last IVF, which was in January.

This is my first time that I've blogged about our process of IVF, even though this is our 3rd attempt. I really feel that it can be helpful for me and others going through this journey. Praying this is our last "beginning" for a while because of a bfp at the end of our cycle!!!

Say NO to caffeine!!

I enjoy my one cup of cappuccino in the morning. I love my can of coke every few days. But, I'm willing/trying to give it up for the cause. I don't officially start stimming for our ivf cycle until July, but I will be starting the b/c in the next week.

In our ivf manual, it does talk about limiting caffeine. Granted, I don't consider myself to use alot, but I've never really given it up for the last two ivf's. SO, I figured for the "3rd times a charm" to really work, I really need to get serious.

So, the second day in, I caved for my coke...I needed SOMETHING to help me out!! It only has 34mg of caffeine...and I also tend to have some stomach problems which coke helps relieve (and that would be today, on day 3!) I'm really trying, but it's TUFF!!

Also, I feel I am in much better shape to get this cycle started. It may sound really dumb to some, but before my 1st ivf, I tried to gain about 5 pounds. I was nervous that I would be under the 19 bmi that I needed to be at for the shared risk program. Well, after stopping exercising and eating all the junk food I wanted, I definitely gained the 5...plus! Then all the meds don't help you at all...then their was a shorter time frame between the 1st and 2nd ivf, so not much time to get "healthier". So, since March, I've been working out (even doing some good old sit ups and push ups!) and trying to cut back on the sweets. I feel great and my self confidence is getting better.

So, all in all, I feel my body is in a better place to start our next cycle. I mean, if I'm serious about this, I need to try everything I can to do my part!

Why so secretive?

I've been pondering this for the last couple days. I started this blog as a journal for myself, call it therapy. But one thing I did was leave out the details of our IF...it took me a while to even share that we had IF. Why, you may ask?? Maybe out of denial, pride, but a big part was I didn't want people to know exactly what was going on in our IF life. Not many people know about our journey, let alone the "details" of it. I think I was trying to shelter myself from questions/comments by not even blogging about it. Well, I feel that needs to change. I realize that I find so much comfort in reading other IF blogs...the details help me. I feel that blogging about our journey can not only help me, but God can use it to help others as well.

So, as a start, I will at least blog about our IF history.

2004: ttc on and off (depending on the month...I was crazy enough to not try on months where the due date would be around our anniversary or Christmas.)

2005: actively ttc

2006: worried why we weren't pg yet, talked to OB. Had HSG, dh had SA, all clear. Went back to NFP to chart to see what may be wrong.

2007: tried 6 rounds of clomid, responded great. Labeled "unexplained infertility"

2008: end of the year, did 2 rounds of clomid/IUI, 1 femara/IUI, saw RE first time, recommended progesterone support and injectables with IUI, then IVF.

2009: 3 rounds of injectibles/IUI and felt led to look into IVF. First IVF in November

2010: 2nd IVF in February and now looking forward to 3rd IVF in July.

Looking back, I honestly never thought it would take this long, or we would have to go through sooo much treatment. I mean, people must have some serious fertility problems to have to do ivf, right??????

Well, dh and I are thankful for the opportunity God has given us through IF and our IVF journey...we have grown SO much.

We have experienced love at first sight (our embabies) and experienced great loss as we realised that none of them were meant to be born into this world.

We have been blessed to see God's hand create LIFE!!

We have been given wisdom that only comes from God.

We have gained empathy and knowledge that we really have no right to judge people that are having to make hard choices if we ourselves have not been down that road. I'm not talking about choices that go against the Bible, but choices that can fall in the "grey" area of life.

I have learned to have compassion for people because everyone is going through a struggle/journey.

So, our journey has been long and bumpy. We have experienced almost EVERY emotion that is possible. But, we wouldn't be who we are today if God hadn't chosen us to be blessed by IF. So, that's my story, and I'm sticken to it!

Yep, that's MY dog!!

Zander brings me so much joy...I know he's a DOG...but I love him!! So, it's been GORGEOUS outside lately, so Zander and I try to take advantage of the beautiful day. You would think that a huge black dog (who is part husky) would not like the heat...but he LOVES it! I think I trained him this way. As a pup, I would always "cuddle" with him next to my space heater ( I love heat and am always cold.) Now he hears me take out the heater and is in my lap with his face right next to it!

So, now that it's nice out, we hang out outside on the deck. He sits directly in the sun so long that sometimes I can't even touch his fur cause it's so hot!! He looks so happy as he "sun bathes". He closes his eyes and takes it all in. I'm glad I have a sun tanning companion! As they say (or don't say :) like owner, like dog...or something like that :)

Speechless

This is how I feel about blogging lately...I have NO idea what to say. Life has been pretty busy, as usual...and nothing crazy has happened yet, or anything I guess I feel like writing about.

One thing that I have really been noticing lately (that is worth noting), is that throughout my studies lately, one thing has kept coming up...trusting the Lord. Each time it comes up, I know inside that this is an area that I need to work on, and starting NOW. God has proved himself faithful and trustworthy time after time, but out of my fear, I lose trust in Him.

I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life", and it has hit on this a lot. I also have daily devos sent via email from Sarah's Laughter. I believe the timing of both coming into my life now is definately a God thing. I feel He is preparing me in advance for the ride we go in in the next couple of months. Trust is, I feel, one of the major areas I need to work on to get me through the day, weeks, and months to come.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is one of those days that I don't think I will ever be able to fully enjoy. It is a constant reminder of what I have not been blessed with, that almost everyone else has. It's a day that IFers feel forgotten, not only by others, but by God. I believe that even after I am a Mother, this day will still never be the same. I will feel guilty. My heart will still be breaking for those who still have empty arms. No one "chooses" to be a mother (unless through adoption). I've learned this all too well through all our treatment. Having a baby is not a choice. God either creates life, or he doesn't. This isn't meant to be a downer post, but just our reality. I'm not mad or upset, I've moved past that...I'm just honest! I follow many other IFers blogs, and a touching poem was posted, so I thought I'd share it!

“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband. Thank you Dave for being my rock and loving me so much. Your kind gestures and love helped me through one of the hardest days of the year (plus spoiling me a bit on this day meant more than you know!) I am PROUD to be your wife! Thank you!

Accepting IF as a part of who I am and who I will always be

This week is Infertility Awareness week. It has been interesting reading so many blogs of those who are experiencing IF. I've come to a realization...IF is a part of who I am, and always will be. I always thought that after we have children, that this would no longer be who I am...but I'm realizing I was wrong. So many other IF'ers who have had children agree.

If we are blessed with a bio child, I will feel so blessed. But, will we want more than one (I mean right now I LOVE my dog, but I really don't want 2, too much work!) Granted children will be different, but there are many couples experiencing this. IF affects excitement to add to the family, "will we have to wait as long, go through more treatment, can we afford to have another child?" I'm realizing my world will not go back to "normal" (as it was before we knew we had IF) after we have a child.

If we adopt, I will feel blessed to be a mother. But, I will always long to be pregnant and to see my dh's eyes, smile, or nose on our baby. Adoption answers a prayer to be a parent, but it isn't the answer to IF.

If God wants us to be a family of two, I will be blessed to have an amazing relationship and bond with my husband that NO ONE who has kids understands. But, unless God would answer my prayer to totally take away my desire to be a mom, I would always wonder what it would have been like to have a baby shower, watch them take first steps, be a soccer mom, be a grandparent, etc.

I'm now understanding that IF will always be a part of who I am, and I should be proud of who God made me to be. I've learned to embrace it and accept it. I am different than the other 83% of couples (1 in 6 couples have infertility problems). I am unique. I am a daughter of the King and thankful for His perfect plan for my life (even with IF).

Gentle Whispers

I just finished reading a Karen Kingsbury book. I really enjoy her books because they are so life applicable. In the end of this book, the character is going through a rough time and finds how God takes them through it. She talks about the "gentle whisper" of God.

It gave reference to 1 Kings 19 where the Lord speaks to Elijah. Elijah ran for hiding in a cave for he feared for his life. The Lord asked him "what are you doing here, Elijah?" Elijah went on to talk about all the negative things going on (Israelites not following God, prophetic causalities, Jezebel's supposed defeat.) Plus he over exaggerates that he is the only one left and they are after his life. At that time a great wind came, an earthquake, and a fire and God was not there in any of them. God was not to be found in the spectacular elements of the storm outside the cave but instead in a low whisper. When Elijah heard his voice, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. God asked him again what he was doing here, and Elijah responded the exact same. The Lord gave him direction on where to go and what to do. This is a paraphrase...if you are interested in reading the whole story, please look it up in your Bible.

This story really hit me. Sometimes in my life I run off and hide in a cave out of fear. I am only thinking about all the things going wrong. I forget how God has blessed me time after time and how he has done amazing things in my life. Then, I look for a miracle (or an answer) in big, loud way. God definitely can answer in these ways, don't get me wrong. And I think to myself as something big happens, Oh, I see how God can work through this! Most of the time when I think that, my miracle doesn't happen through that way.

God can sometimes answer us in gentle whispers. Sometimes when I hear this whisper, I'm like Elijah, I cover up my head and go outside the cave. When my cloak is over my face, it really makes it hard to "see"!! So, my prayer is that I will remember how great our God is (and has been to me), and to be still and listen for His gentle whispers with my eyes wide open (and a heart willing to listen.)

I'm so greatful for the Bible, and all the help it can give me now, even though some of the events took place over a few thousand years ago, they are still applicable today!