Time to rebuild

IF can be such a trial of faith. I believe my faith has grown immensely from it, but also, I feel I can lack it after a bfn. It takes time to hope and dream again. It takes time to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. That may sound crazy, but it's true. I feel God has greatly increased my faith in him. I felt so strong before this last bfn. Then, when you get the news that it didn't work, that faith can fade a little. That desire to be in such a close relationship with Him tends to fade. This is not His choice, but my own. I don't even know if I subconsciously know I'm doing it. But, it's time to rebuild. It's been long enough...too long.

I was reading in Matthew today and I was reading about the man who came to Jesus asking him to have mercy on him and heal his son who was possessed and would fall into fire and water. The man said that the disciples were not able to. Jesus healed the boy and cast out the demon, and the disciples privately asked Jesus why they could not. It was a lack of faith. In my study Bible, it said that it's not that the disciples didn't have faith, just some times it can be weaker or stronger. This spoke to me. It's not like I don't have faith, it's just weaker right now cause of the blow of the 3rd ivf failing. BUT, I also took from this that I need to start working on strengthening my faith because how can I expect God to work miracles in my life if I stay weak? He can still through my weakness, BUT, I want to have the faith that is 110% confident that he is still working miracles, and that he allowed us to still have 2 healthy beautiful blasts to transfer that he CAN allow me to carry to full term...and hold them in my arms...and watch them grow over the years.

So, this is a time of "me". I know that may sound selfish, but I feel my relationship with the Lord must come first. Everyone else (besides my hubby) takes a back seat. For some reason everyone feels they need to dump their load on me, well, I am not going to accept that right now. I need to strengthen myself before I can strengthen others. And, the truth is, I can't strengthen anyone, they need to be doing exactly what I'm trying to do, be in a more intimate relationship with God through prayer and His Word.

So, that's it fokes! I received my meds this week, and somehow it's already September...so I start my Lupron soon (since I'm a ivf veteran, I do not have all the dates memorized)!